SIDE STORY: see what's inside my heart

*jade*

i make walls around me... and no one even dares to break it down.. for no one has seen it yet..

but the day came... when all my steel walls came crashing down.. and its all because of her.

she was like no one else. she always has this frown on her face, the most worry wart 5 year old i've ever seen. she has this flowing brown wavy hair.. and eyes.. that's screaming sadness. when i saw her.. i know, she's the one who set me free. she gave me a purpose. right then and there i knew...

i have to be stronger than anyone else, to protect her from the things that she's worried of. to make her lose that worry wart attitude..

but aside from that undying desire... something happened before..

i went to school, but i didnt went to class. i just spent the whole day sitting on the rooftop. crying.
i was wailing actually, confident that no one can hear my sobs and screams. till i heard footsteps.

that was when i saw her smiled at me so sweetly, my heart broke all the more.
i saw that there was no pity in her eyes, but instead, it was filled with softness and a hidden promise that everything will soon be okay.

"are you okay? boys dont cry you know"

i looked away from.. hiding my embarrassment

"you don't need to be shy. its natural.. i understand.. even though im already five.. i still cry.."

still.. i wont look at her..

then.. unexpectedly.. she took my face in her hands and made me look at her..

"im eli.. i dont like using my whole name cause i haven't memorized it yet.. its too long! hahahaha... anyway... don't cry.. whatever it is... it'll pass okay?"

then she closed her eyes, then kissed my forehead.
i was so shocked that i couldn't move...

"im going back down now... better fix you face before you go home ok? bye bye!"

then i was again left alone.

that was the only time i felt loved. eli.... the five year old girl who still cries. i swore.. from that day on... she's the only one who owns me.

when someone would dare take a look at my heart... they see lots of scars... and lots of bruises..
but they'd be surprised that most of the space.. are not enough.. for my love of her.

i never knew how to tell her the whole truth... for the whole truth never really made sense.

im not good with words... it always come out like an insult... and in our case... saying another failed delivery.. will only lead to more hell...

but someday... i will tell her..

"my heart is in your hands... please... take good care of it"

fishes got caught by the mouth

*Jaden's point of view

this is really stupid.. this actually sucks. i hate myself.

yesterday, i gave Eli the "attitude" and now... she is totally avoiding me! it's even worse than before... it's as if i do not exist at all! darn it.. why can't i just swallow my pride like always? oh yeah.. i remember... i'm the one who said "I'm tired of this!"... damn. damn it all.... DAMN IT!! ARGGGGGHHHH!!!!

"uhm.. earth to Jaden?"

damn it... damn it.... arrrggghhh!!

"JADEN IDIOT CHO!"

what the heck? that caught me, and i found Lin staring at me. "what do you want?!" i said.

"hell, stop contemplating like a fungus moron and go talk to her already! we can't function! AT ALL!"

i was trying to decode her when i felt something pinch me..

"Dude, she's right! we need the chords arranged by tomorrow Jaden.. WE are the ones in charge of the production in case you forgot..." Erick reminded using his oh so sarcastic tone.

i breathed in the warm stench of the school and breathed out.. i really need to think and i mean really think.. without any Eli popping in to interrupt..

"DUDE!!!" , now it was the two of them on each ear.

"what the hell! yeah yeah i heard! i can like do tuning this evening! and Erick i told you already that i'm no good in notes so i guess that will be automatically Lin's job! And for you Ms. Lin Almighty, I ALREADY FINISHED LYRICS AND ARRANGEMENTS!! YOU TWO ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO HASN'T DONE ANYTHING YET! both of you need to grow spines!"

the two of them looked at me, with semi pain stricken faces. oh shit, i think i just went over board. shit.

Lin gave me a smile that didn't reach her eyes.. then went back to class. Erick patted my shoulder and started fixing his bag. before he leaving he looked at me and said,

"Jaden, we are your friends, and we can tolerate whatever attitude you have. But please, if you're just gonna be an ass because of that diva, better quit it fast. cuz you are hurting people already."

shit. it's total shit.

_________

6 pm


ring... ring... ring..

tap tap tap tap tap...

since when did she ever ignored my calls... this is the 4th time i called..

ring .... ring... ring...

tap tap tap...

"what?"

"hey pretty!"

i heard her muffled laugh... and that's all i need to hear, to know i'm forgiven

"hey...sorry...about earlier.."

tck..tck..tck... going on 40 seconds.. and still no reply..

"Melina...."

"oh don't you dare Melina me you moron! i don't deserve to be treated like trash just because you're precious princess was doing it to you!"

(sigh)

'' i know Lin... that's why i said...-"

"Nuh uh you idiot! i never heard you say anything!''

(sigh)

"hello? JADEN DEXTER CHO, DON'T YOU DARE ACT ALL IRRITATED WHEN I SHOULD BE THE ONE DOING THAT!''

this girl is so feisty. i can't remember if she got this mad at me before. i cleared my throat to let her know that i'm done listening.. and that i wanna be the one to do the talking.

"Lin... i'm sorry. it is because of the pressure.. the production comin up and Eli too... and yes.. you don't deserve what i did... and i'm sorry again..."

"you left out one part though."

huh? "and may i know what that is?"

"you said Erick and I should like grow spines!"

i laughed... "well.. don't you think that part was kinda true?"

"you no good moron. i hate you."

i smiled. and our case was closed. session dismissed. i won.

"and i love you too, you spineless goddess."

"oh shut up! tune the chords! it's in your mail kay? see yah tomorrow."

"thanks babe."

i heard a gagging sound on the other end, "don't ever call me that ever again! ERICK IS THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DO THAT!".

"wha-? Erick?"

"uhmmm... oh... nothing! love you too babe! hahaha... haha.. uhm.. haha! see you moron!".

what the fuck was that?

On another point..(SIGH)

*Eli's POV

Waking up after the competition is the best. Why? Cuz, it's time for school again. I can escape this place and be where I am most happy...

The truth is..(sigh)... I like... the challenge. I love being # 1 but it's really the challenge that excites me the most. The fact that Jade will be the only person who can ever defeat me (like I will let that happen!), and he is the one person that is worth beating.

I never really told this to anyone...but, I.Like.Jade.

I can still remember that day... when he asked me if we could be friends. He is the popular boy who seems to know everything and yet, still manage to look cool and relax. It's as if, academics is so simple for him...comparable to breathing air.

He is this guy who would always irritate me and piss me off. He is this guy who would give me the biggest smile when I needed it the most.

But I have to stay away. I know that it's one of his tactics. He will never like a "princess" like me. He said so himself. I know that he is just trying to find my weakness, trying to catch me off guard.

(sigh)... "Be number one you worthless brat!"
The very words of my mother. Sometimes, I forget why I'm doing this. Who am I doing it for. Is it for me? So that I won't have another bruise/cut/whole set of broken bones? Or for her? To show her how worthy I am...if not as her daughter, as a person.

But I keep on failing. I keep on falling on that 2nd spot, right next to Jade. Which in my point of view, sucks a lot. I mean, what is it with him that I can't even come close to what he is? And the part that I don't like the most is that... I can't even be civil with him, for he is the hindrance to my salvation. I like him a lot, but I need to make sure that I defeat him first, so that I could live longer (cuz my mother will finally get off my ass), then maybe... that will be the time when I can finally be a normal person towards him.

(sigh) What I have will be considered as an impasse. I need to break it. Fast.

Cuz I am tired of this secluded lifestyle. I am tired of cold tears, wet pillow cases, red swollen eyes, dark bruised skin, hurtful words.

I am tired of not being me. I know this is not Eli. I know there is another me somewhere and to be able to find her... I need to be set free from here...

But until then... I'll be my mother's robot.
Until then...

I can't tell him... never...

it's a count down... sigh

*JADE'S POV

I am nothing but an idiot at this point. I am a fool to have agreed to be Irma's partner. Damn it! I wasn't aware that this project would take a long time! It's been 3 days since that wretched day, and ever since that day, Eli hasn't said a word to me. Every single day that pass, it seems as if she's trying to be more distant. AND IT'S MESSING WITH MY BRAIN! DO I HAVE SOME SORT OF DISEASE?! LEPROSY PERHAPS?!

"Yo, earth to Jade!"

Eric slapped me on the head as he sat down across the table. Oh yeah, I forgot. It's lunch time. I haven't had breakfast yet. I'm supposed to be hungry by now. But I'm not. Maybe I'm going crazy. Or maybe this is because of me being a leper?

"Eric stop bothering him. He's in his happy place."

And with Lyn's words, my concentration flew back to earth. I cleared my throat and took a sip of my lemonade.

"Shut it you guys! I'm just, having trouble with Irma that's all..."

Lyn smirked and Eric raised his brow.

"How come? The girl's nice, easy to work with. And another happy factor, she's having googly eyes for you..."

I can't take this anymore, I stood up, leaving my tray behind and went straight to my other sanctuary, the roof top.

Here is where I can clear my head. And here is where I can see the whole campus. This is my secret hiding place whenever I wanted to watch Eli from afar. Admiring how great she is and all. Man... I'm getting so cheesy...

"Jade?"

What? That voice... No... It's not true... It's not her... She doesn't call me by my given name. It's always Cho. But then again... the voice I could never mistake for someone else...

"Jade... Are you okay?"

I turned around and I saw her. I smiled and sat down.

"Wow Eli, this is the first time you calling me that. Maybe I'm the one to ask if you're okay. haha!"

I can't help myself... Teasing her is so easy. But little do I know, that this day, is the mark of change. She sat down beside me, and closed her eyes.

"Don't get to full of yourself. You know what? Sometimes, I get tired of being rivals with you."

"Why not change my role then?", I replied, knowing this would only let my hopes down. I am nothing to Eli. I've known that... I am-

"I want to."

What the heck??? Maybe I'm having trouble with my hearing... Maybe I need to eat. Maybe I do have this leper issue. I looked at her just to find another bruise on her arm. She still has her eyes closed, God knows, what she's thinking.

"I wish we could be just normal friends Jade. It can be really troublesome whenever I have to call you by your last name. I wish we could hang out. But that just mean being soft and giving you the opportunity to be on top right?"

I stood up, pissed, angry and worst, dead beet. I walked towards the door, and before I go down, I turned my head and looked at her.

"Being on top is not all that Eli. Being on top and having no one to share that success with is the worst thing. But I guess, being friends with me is just worst than that. Sigh, see you around princess."

And with that I went down having the door shut loudly behind me.

I don't get her. I don't get her at all!

A day with you

*Jade's POV

"The concert was a super... but the lang-"

"Oh yeah.. my boyfriend told me 'bout it..he said it wont hurt-"

"really?! awesome! so.. when do we start?!"

"Did you know that Sheela won't go on-"

Monday morning for the typical student in Redwood High. 30 minute gossips will be delivered straight to your ears, still smoking hot, fresh from those itchy tongues. Upon locking the car, I went straight to my cliques hoping to find something more interesting than "couple dating news". It's not that I'm not happy for them, having their own love affairs and all, but I can't really relate. Especially when my own lovey dovey world is non existent. I braced myself as I enter their circle.

"Jade my man! Congratulations! I heard you once again pinned down the diva!"

I playfully punched Erick on his shoulder (though I did put a little of my weight in it), and laughed at his greeting.

"Shush up! She might hear you. Today is a happy day, so don't ruin it for me."

Lyn, my only female friend whom I ever learned to trust (for it is well known that girls are talkative and will do everything just to spread the holy word), smirked at me and raised her eyebrows.

"Well, your day can start it's happy mode, cuz the diva is here."

My head started to feel a little dizzy. Great. She's here. Oh happy day. I turned around to see if she really is there. Hmmm... to tell the truth, I was hoping for a smiling face and a warm attitude. The long wavy curls of her hair that sways with the wind together with the bell like sound of her laugh... My imaginary picture for Eli. Turns out, in reality, though I'm always seeing the lines on her forehead caused by her frown, the real Eli, is the most beautiful.
I decided to irritate her once more, just to start the usual routine.

"Hey princess! Why the long face?"

Elli said nothing and just continued to walk as if I never exist. So... we're playing snob today. Yey.
The bell rang so we all proceeded inside the building to get it on for first period. My seat is beside her so I guess, she can't avoid me this time.

"Earth to Elizabeth Ther-"

Before I can even finish, she gave me the glare that could turn you into an ice berg.

"Don't start with me Cho! I'm not in the mood."

I smirked. I then looked at Erick who is now watching us and decided to turn this into a little drama charade. It's just one of my tactics to piss her all the more.

"Oh eli...why Eli... why?! Have lost thy interest in me? Have I never been enough for you?! What more do you want from me? Oh Eli, my Eli!"

Erick and Lyn laughed, while the whole class became our audience. Oh I know what they're saying... here they go again. Meanwhile, the lady beside me is now all flushed in anger. She looks so cute when she blushes. Too bad it's a sign that she's angry. Then, as I stare at her face, I noticed an irregular shade just beside her eye, almost reaching to cheekbones. Though it is expertly covered in make-up, you can still notice it up close. I guess I was too distracted by it, that it made Eli conscious.

"Cho, stop staring. And quit this moronic display."

"Eli, what is that on your eye? Were you hurt?"

She quickly turned her face away from me and shook her head.

"No, it's nothing. just a rash."

The day was spent like any other day, except for the heat. And according to news, it'll get worse this coming weekend. Well, I guess that's alright with me. I hate the cold after all. Literature and Spanish was all done, next up, History. Prof. Mel will be in charge, so this will be fun. As we wait for him, I took out my pen and started to doodle (it's my term for sketch), but was interupted by a whisper.

"Psst!"

It's Irma, one of those chess club fanatics.

"What is it?" I replied.

"I heard Prof. Mel is going to make us do group work..."

As I watch her stutter and say "uhmm", I slightly looked at Eli, finding her also starring at me with a smirk on her face.

"So...Uhmm... Jade...can we be partners?"

And with that, Eli looked away. I smiled to myself as I looked at Irma. This should be fun.

"Yeah sure. Who could say no to a beauty like Irma?"

Yey. Game's on. It's so on.

Jade

I won! It sure gave me the creeps when Mrs. Lorena asked me to be a substitute for Mia. I hate debates. I never liked having to defend anything. I mean, it is the very thing that I do every freaking day, so why still have it as my extra curricular? And another reason why I don't like it, Eli will be my opponent. I know how bad she wants to win this. And I know how much she hates me.

Eli and I are the most popular couple when it comes to rivalry. She always wanted to be on top for some reason, and I, just wanted to do my best in everything. Being first was never important to me. As long as I enjoy everything that I do, I make most of it. I still remember the day when I tried to make Eli my friend...

"Hi, I'm Jade. Can we play?"

Eli looked at me with those sad eyes and smiled.

"Sorry. I can't."

I was quite puzzled so I still bugged her, "Why not?". Then she took my hand and smiled at me. The only smile that she will ever give me.

"When you give up being first, then we can be friends."

Sigh... ever since then, Eli and I only talk business. Of course, everyday I try to irritate her to death by teasing her or playing pranks... but she always seem too distant. And her eyes... always so sad and worried. How I wish I could...

"Jade, stop the statue act! Dinner's ready!"

I put the trophy on the shelf and went to the dinning area. I sat down, trying to focus on food. I noticed that mom was looking at me, like I'm crazy o something.

"Honey, stop moping! You won! Isn't that great?"

"Mom don't mind him. He's not moping, he's just mesmerized by Eli's looks, earlier.", my sister Angie said, while giggling like an idiot. How I wish I could be an only child.

"Oh honey, Eli does look beautiful doesn't she? That girl has such a pretty face. Such a shame she always seem so sad."

I changed the topic by asking dad how his business was doing. It worked, for he gave me a stare that could kill a normal person. Everyone became silent and concentrated on eating.

My dad never liked me. It was always Angie whom he sees as perfect and worth it. But me? Oh no... I believe his term for me was, disappointment and waste. No matter how I try to impress him with my skills and my achievements, he never seem to think that it's enough.

"So you think you can talk business with me just because you won some stupid contest?"
My father asked, as he slice his share of meat. I wonder if he's thinking that I was the one he's slicing.

"No dad, I just wondered how it was doing. I heard from the news that we won again for most promising product."

He smiled and said, "Yes, yes I did won once again. And thanks to Angie's suggestions, we might have a chance to grab export deals this year. Now that's what I call achievement. Unlike some pointless events-".

"Greg that's enough."

I was surprised that mom suddenly put a halt to another one of dad's insults. She usually let this go on and on. Sigh, thank God, tonight, my head will be saved.
I excused myself for I no longer have the appetite, and I don't want to hear another comment on how useless I am.

you're worth it. you're a good person. you're good looking. he's not. you know different languages. he doesn't. you know a different world from this. he knows nothing but his world.

I recited my personal mantra as I get myself ready for bed. Here in my room, is where I find solace, peace of mind and happiness. Yes, only here in my room and in school, I am happy.
Here in my room, I see proofs of what kind of person I am, which happens to be way beyond what my father describes. In school, I can be who I want to be. No one judges me. No tells me what my limits are.

To tell the truth, I work so hard in school because I love the feeling of being number one. The feeling of being invincible. No one can touch me. And most of all, I love the challenge.

As I lay in bed, I grabbed a picture hidden under my bed. Picture of the only person whom I want to see before I fall asleep and right after I open my eyes in the morning. This person makes me strive hard until I can no longer move. This person makes me want to become better at everything. This person is the reason I still get up in the morning, so that I can see her face. This person is the only one who can make me forget all of my father's words and make me feel special.

How I wish she could see me in way like how I see her. How I wish she could even notice I exist. But these things... One must never know. I wouldn't want her to stay away from me. I wouldn't want her to become more distant.

I closed my eyes and smiled...

It's okay, tonight is trash indeed. Tomorrow, you'll see her. And she'll be there to take those pain away.

Eli

Breathe. Just breathe. It is all you should do. Clear your head, and think nothing but the prize. Nothing will be good enough but first place. First place.

I wheezed my way out of the dressing room as I prepare myself for the competition. I should have never signed myself up in this mess. But what to do? The look on mother's face was so priceless. Oh, and papa, he was so proud of me, when he learned that I am the only one who made it in the finals. The youngest to have ever made it to here. The only De Guia who ever made it here.
There's nothing much to do actually. I just have to defend my side that is all. Sigh... my side. Tonight, the topic is all about nature and simplicity. How am I supposed to defend my case if I am pro technology?

I just have to win! I know I have to. They can't touch me! Hmph!

"And here it is ladies and gentlemen, for our last debaters, presenting, Elizabeth De Guia, defending the pro tech side."

Oh well, that's my call. I stepped into the lights, smiled and took my seat, as I await for my opponent. This should be easy. Mia will be my opponent, and she is no good when it comes to public speaking so things might turn out smoothly, it always do.

"And for her challenger, Mia Brown called in and said there is an unexpected errand she has to attend to, so for the pro nature side, please welcome, Jaden Dexter Cho."

Jaden? They never told me about Jaden! This can't be... the guy despises me!

"Debaters, whenever you're ready."

As I sat there fidgeting like an idiot, Jaden took the mic with a smirk on his face, thinking he already had this in his hand. The nerve of that jerk!

"Good afternoon everyone! And also to you my lovely opponent! It is such a shame that today should have been a comfortable situation if it wasn't for the heat. AC couldn't even cool us down. Therefore, I would dare blame it on technology Ms. De Guia."

What? What the heck was that? I took my mic and prepared to lash at the beast.

"Mr Cho it's--"

"Oh Ms. De Guia, please call me Jade." Jaden said, cutting me from my speech. How rude!

"Mr. Cho, it is not my problem whether your AC is not working. Why even use AC when you yourself said that nature is indeed enough, to provide you all the satisfaction there is? So, you're actually admitting that you need technology? Well, I guess, I won my case.".

And with that, I flashed him my winning smile as I sat back comfortably on my chair, leaving my worries behind. My answer made the audience laugh as well as our judges, so I guess, I still have it. Jaden Cho can't beat me.

"Oh but Ms. De Guia, I was stating that, your AC was not enough to cool down this heat caused by the sun, which is unfortunately due to global warming, which was again, unfortunately due to the result of all your technology. I never said that I own an AC, in fact I love the heat. It makes me all tanned up."

This guy should know when to quit. Sigh... Jaden and I go way back in pre-school. He's my only opponent when it comes to brain clash. He is the reason why I work so hard for that first place. Because, I know, he wants it, as bad. But there's just something about him... something that makes me all envious of him. He always seems so happy and relaxed. While I am all stressed and tense! How dare he...

It was almost 6 in the evening when the judges decided to end our small talk, and announced the winner.

"Indeed, it is once again a delight to see two young ones express their selves excellently! But I must say, in this competition, one can only be the winner. And now, for our first placer, the award goes to..."

I crossed my fingers and took in a deep breath. Please.. let it be me... let it be me...

"Jaden Dexter Cho! Congratulations!"

Then and there, I wished I could disappear. Jaden received his award, while I marched towards the parking lot, hoping that tonight, won't be a long one.

Upon arriving home, mother faced me and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt.
"What the hell was that?!" she shouted.

I cringed in fear not knowing what to do or say. "Answer me!" she insisted. Still I remained silent. When she finally go tired of shouting and insulting, she went up to her room, leaving me with a bruised arm and a swollen cheek.

I stood up and locked myself in my room. No matter how I fight it, the tears just stream out of my eyes like there's no tomorrow...

I sat on my window pane, looking at the moon, wondering, just how long will it take, for me to be good enough. To be accepted.

I sighed and smiled to myself. Yeah right. keep on dreaming. How I wish there is someone out there who can understand, someone as twisted as me.